Tonight's the last, so say goodbye...

I finally found a place worth going in that town..and of course it was late and I have to wait 3 months before I can go there again..it was so quiet and peaceful..I hope no one else goes there.. I like it to be "my spot".

I think I found my dream career too..I say "I think" I found it only because I might change my mind again, but that's very unlikely because my heart was actually beating faster when I found it..and that hasn't happened to me for a long time..it feels good..feels good to have a passion..the "can't wait for it to begin" part after a long "I'm tired of this shit"..

But did I find everything? Well..the answer is no..I'm still lost when it comes to my feelings for him..I know I love him..and God I miss him so much..but there's nothing I can do..he's moved on..even if he'd still take me back, everything's still the same..the distance, the different paths which make our next meeting unknown.. And I can't deal with that..I just can't..and it hurts me when people easily say " that's because you don't love him enough".. I think they don't shut the fuck up enough!

All these together.. Bittersweet.

On being thankful

About one year ago, I was not sure of where I will end up afterwards.. I was nervous, because lots of money and time had been spent.. After I ended up where I wanted to, I started to dislike it, all the things that I loved about it began to seem very small and fade away..not that I ever regretted coming here..but I just lost my appreciation..and now I think that's a poison to life..and it's sad that it's always happening.. You finally get what you want and after a while you take it for granted and start wishing for something else..I'm not saying we shouldn't aim for higher, but we should also keep reminding ourselves of how far we've come and appreciate it, and that what we have now ( maybe not all of it) was once a dream of ours.. We tend to forget that we're living the dream..we get used to it and it becomes just "normal life".. Yes, now that I'm here I can see better, I know better, I know that it can be better, I have lots of new and fresh dreams, but I shouldn't let them make what I have now any less of a dream. This is what I've wanted for god knows how many years, I'm not gonna let my inner perfectionist ruin it for me..I'm going to enjoy what I have and still keep shooting for the stars.

So let mercy come..and wash away..what I've done.

 

It wasn't long ago when I found this rough pine cone and as I was holding it in my hand, I thought " this is me..hurting anyone who gets close to me..who holds me tight.." It wasn't a pleasant realization, but it was true to some extent, maybe a little harsh, but true. And that made everything worse, simply by accepting it, I kept pushing people away from me.. 

But it's over now. I know I made some mistakes, I know I wasn't patient enough, but nobody has the right to tell me "it's not love", if that's not love, then I don't believe in love, then I don't think it exists at all! Except I do..and just because I did some stupid stuff, doesn't make my feelings any less valuable. 

The next thing that crushed me, was when I lost my hope, when I realized that it's over, it's not gonna happen as I've always wanted and was sure of. For some time, I was lost, I didn't know what to do with my life anymore..and it made me angry, it made me hate myself because I felt weak. weak because I needed someone to make me happy, to make my life perfect and I was devastated when I lost my chance. 

I have changed now, because I've been here before (not exactly here, but close enough) and I got out of it, I survived and I was enough for me, even if it was only for 3 months, I know that it can happen again and I will make it happen. 

It doesn't make my love any less significant, but I think you'll grow when you can love without needing to be loved back.